Some of us were raised differently. Many of us had genuine love in our lives, even if our families were crazy. Others, we grew up realizing that all we had was our word, and ourselves.
I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back now. A few weeks ago, I lost one of my closest friends. We should've been closer, but my hidden ego kept us miles apart. I've known her since I was five. Our parents went to school together, so we pretty much knew each other's family secrets. It's weird how every time we would get on the phone with each other, it would be as if we talked everyday, but this year was different. Since January, we've talked on the phone everyday... since the day.
To jump straight to it, I lost my best friend. It had seemed as if I had lost a best friend before that too. I began to believe that 2019 was not a winning season, but a losing one. It scared me. It made me think that I had no one, but myself. The day before the incident, I was watching TD Jakes on youtube. He spoke about how you can't go through life alone. You can't have a chip on your shoulder. Yes, you may be hurting, but someone else is hurting too and right now they may need you. So get rid of your pride and the pain in your past. Okay, so yea this sermon stung me.
My home wasn't in complete chaos, but we're so mellow that any small mountain was usually a large one. I was trying to deal with my life, while temporarily entertaining others. That's what it felt like, entertaining. I believed that that's what I was doing, so I fixed every bad vibe in my home that night, but forgot to fix my friend too. She called, and I was dry. I was frustrated, I didn't want to talk, and my mind was racing. I was listening to her, but scrolling through Instagram. I was, "Yea, really, Oh okay". I was there, but I wasn't.
How could I listen to a word, receive it, but spit it back out? How could I hear God, but I still chose to be captured by some temporary emotions? Pride, that's how.
My friend took her life the next day.
My day, that day, was better than the night before, until I found out the news. My heart literally stopped. It stopped beating, or at least that's what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. I just broke down. I realized that it was my fault, it wasn't but I just knew it was at the moment. I knew that I should've called a few hours earlier. I even tried texting her. I wrote her on snapchat, and as crazy as it sounds, to me she wasn't gone yet.
Lazarus' spirit was supposed to hover over his body for 3 days. We still believe it, superstition maybe, but it's in the word. Why were they still afraid? They were afraid, because it had rolled over to the fourth day. He was really dead. No more life, but then Jesus showed up.
Her spirit still had a chance, right? I wanted her soul to rest peacefully. So many things ran through my mind that day that it's too much to write, but it still wanders sometimes. It still seems unreal, until I see her obituary on the fridge. Roe and I still talk about the good times that she brought to our lives, but a small piece of me is still wondering, "What if I would've called?" or "I didn't know she was hurting this bad!" Regardless of how I feel, it's temporary. Emotions are temporary.
Be sure to love on people. Be sure to burn bridges in ways that it's God's will and not yours. Trust in life and trust in the process. We meet no one by mistake, it's just up to us to determine whether we treat everyone with genuine love and kindness no matter what. Life isn't about me or you. It's about all of us pouring into one another just because it feels good. We just can't allow those feelings to become our lessons, right? If we do, they just might steal from us the true meaning of life -- Love.
