Oh Mah Gawd! Where do I even start?!
Pain comes and then pain goes. We typically run into people that are bad for our health, but it doesn't take long for us to figure this out and then we typically move on. They say, "When people show you who they are the first time, believe them", but with certain people it's not that easy.
"When people show you who they are the first time, believe them." - Anonymous
Let's just say I remember logging onto our roommate's computer to do some homework. I didn't expect to see anything special, because I wasn't planning on snooping through their business. I instantly saw an old-school aim messenger screen. Of course I laughed and then clicked on it, but as I continued scrolling, the joke was on me. Then there it was, the photos.
All I could see were photos of a light skinned girl's vagina and that's all I knew. I wanted to hurry up and log off, but something told me to read the messages that were attached to the photos. It's crazy that I can remember this day as if it were yesterday. Anyways, I read the messages only to see that the messages came from someone who I thought belonged to me. I slammed the computer close.
Acknowledging the Truth
Truth is, pain comes and then it goes but in that moment when you first experience that pain, you don't think or feel anything else. That same night, I couldn't leave the house because I had nowhere to go. I couldn't make a scene, because this wasn't the first time. I couldn't be mad either, because this wasn't the first time. I knew exactly who I was dealing with, and why. I knew I had let this person grab hold of my heart, but I knew that it was time to take it back. My heart was broken, but my mind was ready to heal and move on.
Writing this makes me hate him all over again even though I no longer have ties to him. It's just something about pain though. It leaves a scar on our hearts and no matter how much time goes by, we just can't seem to shake it or can we? In order for me to love again, I had to find peace. I had to understand that this wasn't who he was, and he wasn't who I wanted him to be.
Healing
In order for your heart to heal properly, you must first acknowledge the truth. It's not meant to be, or maybe it's too late and it's time to own up to your truth; you chose this. If you have children together, if they're a family member, if you've been friends for so long, whatever the situation is, you have to acknowledge the truth. Will you stay or will you choose to let go?
Step by step, you will slowly see that you cannot change a person. You cannot make someone fit into your imagination of who you'd like them to be. You cannot and will not force that person to love you the way that you want them to. So what do you do next? You can either understand that and stay, or you can choose to let it go. It's hard. Oh trust me, I had invested my entire future into that relationship only to find out that it was hard. Although I invested a timeline, I chose to regain my time. I chose to scrape up enough money to move out. I chose to love myself again. I chose to let him beg and plea for me, but I steady chose me over everything I thought I believed in.
Time can heal most things, but that doesn't mean that it won't leave a scar. You have to choose peace. You have to choose you. You have to make it up in your mind that you want to be happy, because if I would've stayed, I wouldn't have been happy. At all. I could see him today and I'd probably still feel what I felt on that exact day, but then I'd open my eyes and see where I am now. I'd see that I chose me and what the outcome became. I'd see that I'm genuinely happy and that love does exist. I'd see that the day I decided to choose me, I chose life, and I'd rather be living with a scar than be dead with a broken heart.
